Just say it

I didn't want to say it.

I didn't want to be the first one to say it.

I was scared... I was just scared.

I held on to it for so long.

I thought you could see it in my eyes and feel it in my lips and hear it in my voice with other words.

Maybe you did and you were scared too?

Scared of your own feelings or maybe my response?

I didn't say it because I knew you wouldn't say it back.

I didn't say it because I was scared I'd feel empty afterwards.

I loved you and more than just as a friend.

My Lone Wolf

Earlier I was just laying in bed and I just turned over to your side of the bed as if to cuddle you. I just started thinking about those times we just laid together. Idk if you know but I would stare at you sometimes just to engrave those moments cause I knew they wouldn't last. So as I'm thinking about those moments, I was also thinking about previous men in my life and how any of those moments compared. Found myself unable to picture them or really remember any of their moments.

You don't know how much the time we spent together means to me. How happy I was while we were together. How badly I wanted to leave work just to be in the same room with you. 

You really don't know that I cry every single day now that you're gone. Yes we still talk everyday but it's nothing like when I was driving and you were next to me holding my hand telling me how your work day was.

Now I just try to fool myself into thinking that if I reconnect with myself and learn to be alone, I'll be ok. As if I haven't been alone enough already.

Some hope? Anywhere?

As of November 24th 2018, I met an amazing man. Definitely different from the type of guy I would normally see myself with.

He's a gentleman, understanding, so respectfully. Yet also has mystery (hopefully 🤞🏻 good) has this sensual side of him. I really like him.

He makes me feel so special, tho I know it's due to the fact that that's just how he is. It has nothing to do with me.

He has 2kids. So I know they will always be his priority. I can't help but feel like maybe he doesn't have room for me in his heart.

Someday, not today 7/3/18

My dreams as a kid for when I grew up were that I'd be a teacher and have 3 kids by the time I was 21.

Far from either one. Didn't even finish school and definitely have no one to make me a mother of one let alone two.

I hope my day isn't too far away. At 33yrs old, it feels like the most important thing to me (children) is slipping thru my fingers.

In pain; mentally, physically, and emotionally. How can I expect to be an amazing mother?

I need a sign.

Reflecting 05/07/18

Took a half day from work today.  I just wanted to take some time for myself. Had to stop and think.

Got to Garett Mountain. I've always loved this spot. Knowing I can see all of Paterson. Where I've grown up. It's beautiful. It helps me get back to being positive.

I've ended things with Mr. 2014. I still think about him. I find myself comparing him to my long tim friend. Both so different but also both have different life experiences.

One I considered my best friend at one point and even thought maybe hes the one. The other I thought could be a long term relationship; maybe even kids.

But as I reflect up here on this beautiful sunny day. I think I need to focus on myself again. Which is hard. Especially when you think something is wrong with you and that's why guys don't want anything serious with you.

I put my self in situations where I hope people will notice me. It shouldn't be this hard to be noticed. Starring to think my aura's light might be dimming or just completely shut off. So how do I turn it back on. Brighten it up. Pills can't be the only thing.

The struggle, very real. Never thought I'd be one to be so negative. I don't know how to get out of this funk.

I don't want to be right 3/8/18

2yrs. That's how long it took.

That friend. I mean that "friend" I went on a date with 2yrs ago. Yea he's still my friend. Always explained it wasn't about sex when it came to me. Yet that's exactly what he proved to me yesterday.

He said he wasn't looking for anything serious, I understood. I mean I am still talking to Mr. 2014, I kinda still love him. But it hurt when my "friend" said he we couldn't mess around anymore since he's wants to be serious with someone else.

Why not me?

I mean you know about Mr. 2014 and knew that it wasn't going anywhere with him. You knew I want something serious and would give you the chance to step up.

So, why not me?

Choices

Choices

You had me Lost for a while now I'm just wondering what to do.

I found myself telling you I love you. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to take those words back. But what do they mean to you? Were they just words? Or maybe you don't know how to feel about them? How much time do you need from me? My clock is ticking. Your clock is ticking.

I went on a date a few months ago, around the time you told me you didn't want a relationship. Funny thing, it wasn't really supposed to be a date. But it turned into one at the end when I did something I'll never tell you about. I wish I could tell you but I don't want to lose you.

That person likes me or so he says. He said it wasn't about that and that he's always liked me. Lately it feels like it's only about that.

I only have eyes for you though. You're the only one I want to be with. You're the only one I think about. You're the only one I see myself. When will you notice? Time is running out.