When?

I know I'm book smart, even a bit street smart. Apparently not so much "heart" smart. It's hard for me to understand how I can have such a big heart, be funny, be cute (yes I do think so), & ye maybe not the best physical appearance; yet still not have anyone special in my life. I see how girls cheat on their man and use them for their money or just manipulate them. My own friends, unfortunately. I'm here waiting to be found, I can't seem to fimd him so hopefully he finds me soon.

Every night I lay in my bed in my apartment...alone. dreaming, hoping, wishing to meet someone who will cuddle and hold my hand at night. Always wondering if it will ever happen to me. I want to give my all to that guy that puts a smile on my face. Maybe ive already met him or maybe not but I just want to know when will he be in arms at night ?

I want to be happy. I want hugs, kisses, embraces, LOVE!

4/20

Brownies
Amsterdam
Ganja
Mary Jane
These are probably the first things you thought of when you saw 4/20.
But for me it has a different meaning.

It reminds me that 10 days earlier was my moms bday. And now it's that someone special's bday.

He means so much to me and doesn't even realize it.

I hear his voice and it makes me smile. I drive to his place and everytime... I get butterflies in my stomach.

He hasn't realized how much he means to me. But at any given time I am prepared to let him go his way.

Never been one to have to fight for someone's love and affection.

I've always said it. My feet are firmly set on earth. I know I may or may not meet the guy of my dreams. I just hope to meet that guy that will make me laugh and cry of happiness. Just wants to hold me and cuddle.

InConsolable

Expressing one's self to any other person that isn't you is very difficult. Especially if those feelings run deeper than anyone can imagine. 

My flaw isn't so much that i can't express myself; its more that i care too much, too fast. I do it to myself everytime. 

1. Meet a guy.
2. Get to know him, see that he's a great guy.
3. Automatically start catching feelings.
4. Come to realize, hes just not into me.

So I now know that it's me and not everyone else. In order to find what i want and need from life, i need to try.

La Historia

Nine years have passed since we first met. I still think about what we had. It was really good. I think the happiest I've ever been. I did anything and everything for you.

Six years ago u made the worst decision of my life. Left me here, alone. Took off to Colorado, why? I dont know. At that same time it was also the best decision of your life. You've been changing your life around. Im so happy for you. Just wished I would have been the reason for you to want to change.

Two weeks ago you called me because you needed a friend to talk with.  We spoke longer than I thought we would.  You told me how much you missed me.  About how we were good together.  Almost made me think I wanted to get back with you.

I've realized that we will never be, again.  Never once did we have a ridiculous arguement.  Always kept me happy. Everytime I saw you or heard your voice, I'd have a smile on my face. No matter what you did I always had your back.

Now I've met someone, who may or may not like me. I get those same feelings for him. I'm not saying he's the one, but he makes me smile and right now thats what I need. I wish you'd understand that I've grown up a lot since we 16/17yrs old. 

If

As i sit here and think about all the little conversations that we've had in the past, I wonder where did it all begin?

Was it when you asked me to cook for you?
Was it when I text you just 'cause?
Was it when you called me that morning of the 1st winter storm?
When did it all begin?

All these feelings that I have in my heart are soo confusing to me.  I don't know what to make of them. Do I tell you? Do I just leave them locked up?

See, I've poured my heart out before and it's gotten me nowhere.  Then again, not saying anything won't get me anywhere.  So what do I do?

What if I tell you how I feel and you don't feel the same way?
What if you don't want to be my friend anymore?
What if you feel the complete opposite from me?
What if I mean absolutely nothing to you?

Then again,

What if I tell you how I feel and you've felt the same way?
What if you just weren't sure about how I felt and were waiting for me to tell you?
What if you just want to be closer to me?
What if you want me to stay in your life?

Truth be told all I can think about is wanting to be in your arms and feel your lips on mine once again.  I can't help but think "I'm crazy to think that a guy like you would ever want a girl like me".  At the same time I don't want to have those doubts later on in life. :

What if I would've told you and you wanted to tried us out?
What if it would've worked out and we had a great relationship?

So many "What if"s. And thats exactly what I don't want.

As I type this out, I've realized something.  In life there will always be "What if"s.  There's always different roads you can take and they won't all be used. Hence you'll always wonder "What if I did that and not this?" and vice versa.  

Unfortunately it hurts more when it comes to matters of the heart and soul.