Someday, not today 7/3/18

My dreams as a kid for when I grew up were that I'd be a teacher and have 3 kids by the time I was 21.

Far from either one. Didn't even finish school and definitely have no one to make me a mother of one let alone two.

I hope my day isn't too far away. At 33yrs old, it feels like the most important thing to me (children) is slipping thru my fingers.

In pain; mentally, physically, and emotionally. How can I expect to be an amazing mother?

I need a sign.


Reflecting 05/07/18

Took a half day from work today.  I just wanted to take some time for myself. Had to stop and think.

Got to Garett Mountain. I've always loved this spot. Knowing I can see all of Paterson. Where I've grown up. It's beautiful. It helps me get back to being positive.

I've ended things with Mr. 2014. I still think about him. I find myself comparing him to my long tim friend. Both so different but also both have different life experiences.

One I considered my best friend at one point and even thought maybe hes the one. The other I thought could be a long term relationship; maybe even kids.

But as I reflect up here on this beautiful sunny day. I think I need to focus on myself again. Which is hard. Especially when you think something is wrong with you and that's why guys don't want anything serious with you.

I put my self in situations where I hope people will notice me. It shouldn't be this hard to be noticed. Starring to think my aura's light might be dimming or just completely shut off. So how do I turn it back on. Brighten it up. Pills can't be the only thing.

The struggle, very real. Never thought I'd be one to be so negative. I don't know how to get out of this funk.


I don't want to be right 3/8/18

2yrs. That's how long it took.

That friend. I mean that "friend" I went on a date with 2yrs ago. Yea he's still my friend. Always explained it wasn't about sex when it came to me. Yet that's exactly what he proved to me yesterday.

He said he wasn't looking for anything serious, I understood. I mean I am still talking to Mr. 2014, I kinda still love him. But it hurt when my "friend" said he we couldn't mess around anymore since he's wants to be serious with someone else.

Why not me?

I mean you know about Mr. 2014 and knew that it wasn't going anywhere with him. You knew I want something serious and would give you the chance to step up.

So, why not me?




You had me Lost for a while now I'm just wondering what to do.

I found myself telling you I love you. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to take those words back. But what do they mean to you? Were they just words? Or maybe you don't know how to feel about them? How much time do you need from me? My clock is ticking. Your clock is ticking.

I went on a date a few months ago, around the time you told me you didn't want a relationship. Funny thing, it wasn't really supposed to be a date. But it turned into one at the end when I did something I'll never tell you about. I wish I could tell you but I don't want to lose you.

That person likes me or so he says. He said it wasn't about that and that he's always liked me. Lately it feels like it's only about that.

I only have eyes for you though. You're the only one I want to be with. You're the only one I think about. You're the only one I see myself. When will you notice? Time is running out.


Lost (3/18/15)

Wow, you're the first guy I actually took my time to know.
We had amazing conversations. Grown up conversations. Sexy conversations. Intellectual conversations.
The first time we had sex, we had already been on 3 dates in 2 months.
Ever since that day, things have changed. We don't have those conversations.
You don't tell me you miss me. You don't tell me you want me. You don't tell me you want to see me and kiss me.
It's been a month since we saw each other. Going on 2.
Maybe I'm not what you expected.

I told you I was fat. I told you my pictures may not show all my flaws.
But you told me you see me and you liked what you saw.

Yet here I am, confused and lost.

Was that all a ploy to get with me? You didn't have to do all that.

If you don't want to talk to me anymore, just say so. Or don't respond to my texts.

I'm getting mixed signals. Idk what to do!



I was 12 once.

What did you want to be when you were younger?
I was to be a teacher.
Be married with 3 kids.

I knew school came first.
I made sure to get in to a good high school and university.
I sure did my mom proud when I did both.
Unfortunately never got a degree.

Got a job.
Had to pay back school loans and bills.
8yrs were lost.

27 now.
Not a teacher.
No boyfriend, fiancé, nor husband.
No kids.

I was 12 once.


Calm after the storm

Deep deep deep in my heart, I hurt.
I think about being with you forever. I think about being there for my family. I think about introducing you to my family.

I want you to realize how great of a woman I am.
To realize I'd be there for you no matter what.
To realize all I want to do is to make you happy.
To realize I'm all yours!

I've come to terms now.
I realized you will never open your heart to me.
I realized you will never open your eyes to the beauty within me.
I realized I will get nowhere with you.

But somehow there is still a glimmer of hope that I feel.
Could it be possible?
Is this your tactic

The uncertainty and curiosity are killing me slowly.

Im waiting for this storm to pass.
Hopefully the sun comes out soon.
Surely the right path will be clear and ready for me.