3.31.2013

12

I was 12 once.

What did you want to be when you were younger?
I was to be a teacher.
Be married with 3 kids.

I knew school came first.
I made sure to get in to a good high school and university.
I sure did my mom proud when I did both.
Unfortunately never got a degree.

Got a job.
Had to pay back school loans and bills.
8yrs were lost.

27 now.
Not a teacher.
No boyfriend, fiancé, nor husband.
No kids.

I was 12 once.

3.17.2013

Calm after the storm

Deep deep deep in my heart, I hurt.
I think about being with you forever. I think about being there for my family. I think about introducing you to my family.

I want you to realize how great of a woman I am.
To realize I'd be there for you no matter what.
To realize all I want to do is to make you happy.
To realize I'm all yours!

I've come to terms now.
I realized you will never open your heart to me.
I realized you will never open your eyes to the beauty within me.
I realized I will get nowhere with you.

But somehow there is still a glimmer of hope that I feel.
Could it be possible?
Is this your tactic

The uncertainty and curiosity are killing me slowly.

Im waiting for this storm to pass.
Hopefully the sun comes out soon.
Surely the right path will be clear and ready for me.

1.22.2013

Submissive

Everyone is searching for "their other half". Even when you're not looking, you're looking.

No one wants to be alone even when they want to be alone.

Loving someone and being loved are two different things. One can love someone wth all their heart and not care how that someone treats them. Just as one can be loved and not care how they treat the "lover".

Black:White
Up:Down
Left:Right
Happy:Sad
Heat:cold

You can't have one without the other.

Love
Pain.

Hand in hand.

You can be hurt falling in love.
You can be hurt while in love.
You can be hurt when out of love.
You can be hurt still in love.

When you choose to love you also agree to the terms of pain.

Whether in the beginning, the middle, the end or even after,  pain will come.

Personally I choose love.
Nothing like the feeling you get knowing someone loves you.

9.02.2012

When?

I know I'm book smart, even a bit street smart. Apparently not so much "heart" smart. It's hard for me to understand how I can have such a big heart, be funny, be cute (yes I do think so), & ye maybe not the best physical appearance; yet still not have anyone special in my life. I see how girls cheat on their man and use them for their money or just manipulate them. My own friends, unfortunately. I'm here waiting to be found, I can't seem to fimd him so hopefully he finds me soon.

Every night I lay in my bed in my apartment...alone. dreaming, hoping, wishing to meet someone who will cuddle and hold my hand at night. Always wondering if it will ever happen to me. I want to give my all to that guy that puts a smile on my face. Maybe ive already met him or maybe not but I just want to know when will he be in arms at night ?

I want to be happy. I want hugs, kisses, embraces, LOVE!

4.23.2012

4/20

Brownies
Amsterdam
Ganja
Mary Jane
These are probably the first things you thought of when you saw 4/20.
But for me it has a different meaning.

It reminds me that 10 days earlier was my moms bday. And now it's that someone special's bday.

He means so much to me and doesn't even realize it.

I hear his voice and it makes me smile. I drive to his place and everytime... I get butterflies in my stomach.

He hasn't realized how much he means to me. But at any given time I am prepared to let him go his way.

Never been one to have to fight for someone's love and affection.

I've always said it. My feet are firmly set on earth. I know I may or may not meet the guy of my dreams. I just hope to meet that guy that will make me laugh and cry of happiness. Just wants to hold me and cuddle.

3.13.2011

InConsolable

Expressing one's self to any other person that isn't you is very difficult. Especially if those feelings run deeper than anyone can imagine. 

My flaw isn't so much that i can't express myself; its more that i care too much, too fast. I do it to myself everytime. 

1. Meet a guy.
2. Get to know him, see that he's a great guy.
3. Automatically start catching feelings.
4. Come to realize, hes just not into me.

So I now know that it's me and not everyone else. In order to find what i want and need from life, i need to try.

3.05.2011

La Historia

Nine years have passed since we first met. I still think about what we had. It was really good. I think the happiest I've ever been. I did anything and everything for you.

Six years ago u made the worst decision of my life. Left me here, alone. Took off to Colorado, why? I dont know. At that same time it was also the best decision of your life. You've been changing your life around. Im so happy for you. Just wished I would have been the reason for you to want to change.

Two weeks ago you called me because you needed a friend to talk with.  We spoke longer than I thought we would.  You told me how much you missed me.  About how we were good together.  Almost made me think I wanted to get back with you.

I've realized that we will never be, again.  Never once did we have a ridiculous arguement.  Always kept me happy. Everytime I saw you or heard your voice, I'd have a smile on my face. No matter what you did I always had your back.

Now I've met someone, who may or may not like me. I get those same feelings for him. I'm not saying he's the one, but he makes me smile and right now thats what I need. I wish you'd understand that I've grown up a lot since we 16/17yrs old.