Expressing one's self to any other person that isn't you is very difficult. Especially if those feelings run deeper than anyone can imagine. 

My flaw isn't so much that i can't express myself; its more that i care too much, too fast. I do it to myself everytime. 

1. Meet a guy.
2. Get to know him, see that he's a great guy.
3. Automatically start catching feelings.
4. Come to realize, hes just not into me.

So I now know that it's me and not everyone else. In order to find what i want and need from life, i need to try.


La Historia

Nine years have passed since we first met. I still think about what we had. It was really good. I think the happiest I've ever been. I did anything and everything for you.

Six years ago u made the worst decision of my life. Left me here, alone. Took off to Colorado, why? I dont know. At that same time it was also the best decision of your life. You've been changing your life around. Im so happy for you. Just wished I would have been the reason for you to want to change.

Two weeks ago you called me because you needed a friend to talk with.  We spoke longer than I thought we would.  You told me how much you missed me.  About how we were good together.  Almost made me think I wanted to get back with you.

I've realized that we will never be, again.  Never once did we have a ridiculous arguement.  Always kept me happy. Everytime I saw you or heard your voice, I'd have a smile on my face. No matter what you did I always had your back.

Now I've met someone, who may or may not like me. I get those same feelings for him. I'm not saying he's the one, but he makes me smile and right now thats what I need. I wish you'd understand that I've grown up a lot since we 16/17yrs old. 



As i sit here and think about all the little conversations that we've had in the past, I wonder where did it all begin?

Was it when you asked me to cook for you?
Was it when I text you just 'cause?
Was it when you called me that morning of the 1st winter storm?
When did it all begin?

All these feelings that I have in my heart are soo confusing to me.  I don't know what to make of them. Do I tell you? Do I just leave them locked up?

See, I've poured my heart out before and it's gotten me nowhere.  Then again, not saying anything won't get me anywhere.  So what do I do?

What if I tell you how I feel and you don't feel the same way?
What if you don't want to be my friend anymore?
What if you feel the complete opposite from me?
What if I mean absolutely nothing to you?

Then again,

What if I tell you how I feel and you've felt the same way?
What if you just weren't sure about how I felt and were waiting for me to tell you?
What if you just want to be closer to me?
What if you want me to stay in your life?

Truth be told all I can think about is wanting to be in your arms and feel your lips on mine once again.  I can't help but think "I'm crazy to think that a guy like you would ever want a girl like me".  At the same time I don't want to have those doubts later on in life. :

What if I would've told you and you wanted to tried us out?
What if it would've worked out and we had a great relationship?

So many "What if"s. And thats exactly what I don't want.

As I type this out, I've realized something.  In life there will always be "What if"s.  There's always different roads you can take and they won't all be used. Hence you'll always wonder "What if I did that and not this?" and vice versa.  

Unfortunately it hurts more when it comes to matters of the heart and soul.