My dreams as a kid for when I grew up were that I'd be a teacher and have 3 kids by the time I was 21.
Far from either one. Didn't even finish school and definitely have no one to make me a mother of one let alone two.
I hope my day isn't too far away. At 33yrs old, it feels like the most important thing to me (children) is slipping thru my fingers.
In pain; mentally, physically, and emotionally. How can I expect to be an amazing mother?
I need a sign.
Took a half day from work today. I just wanted to take some time for myself. Had to stop and think.
Got to Garett Mountain. I've always loved this spot. Knowing I can see all of Paterson. Where I've grown up. It's beautiful. It helps me get back to being positive.
I've ended things with Mr. 2014. I still think about him. I find myself comparing him to my long tim friend. Both so different but also both have different life experiences.
One I considered my best friend at one point and even thought maybe hes the one. The other I thought could be a long term relationship; maybe even kids.
But as I reflect up here on this beautiful sunny day. I think I need to focus on myself again. Which is hard. Especially when you think something is wrong with you and that's why guys don't want anything serious with you.
I put my self in situations where I hope people will notice me. It shouldn't be this hard to be noticed. Starring to think my aura's light might be dimming or just completely shut off. So how do I turn it back on. Brighten it up. Pills can't be the only thing.
The struggle, very real. Never thought I'd be one to be so negative. I don't know how to get out of this funk.
2yrs. That's how long it took.
That friend. I mean that "friend" I went on a date with 2yrs ago. Yea he's still my friend. Always explained it wasn't about sex when it came to me. Yet that's exactly what he proved to me yesterday.
He said he wasn't looking for anything serious, I understood. I mean I am still talking to Mr. 2014, I kinda still love him. But it hurt when my "friend" said he we couldn't mess around anymore since he's wants to be serious with someone else.
Why not me?
I mean you know about Mr. 2014 and knew that it wasn't going anywhere with him. You knew I want something serious and would give you the chance to step up.
So, why not me?
